My Last Words for You

Here it is. I guess these could possibly be the final words you hear from me, because after this I will have nothing more to say. And you know what, Vanicka? That sucks. All of this sucks, it sucks so bad, and it hurts so bad. Gosh, it hurts so bad. I wish there was something, some way to avoid all of this, but I can tell at this current moment it's not possible. Today we hung out, it's September 27th, tomorrow is your birthday party, and today was the first day I felt that you didn't love me. I could truly, and in the realest sense, feel the absence of your love for me. I could feel your presence, but not your love. And I wish you knew how this feels, to have the girl you have loved every day for the past two years not love you. And you know the worst part? I still love you, I am still IN love with you, and my heart is painted with your faces. Even after everything you've done, I would’ve still wanted to try to fix it and forgive you, because all I ever wanted was to have you. All you needed to do was say you wanted to try to fix it and put in effort — that's all it would've taken. That's all it would’ve taken for me to come back. I would’ve dealt with everything else, I wouldn’t care what anybody said, I would’ve made sure my parents liked you and that we could get married. I would’ve made sure I fulfilled every need you had, no matter how big or small. I would’ve made sure you had everything you wanted, I would’ve done anything you asked me to do, I would've made sure we worked, I would’ve made sure that we would stay together no matter the sacrifices I had to make. Because I knew if you don’t sacrifice for what you want, what you want becomes the sacrifice — and I could’ve never sacrificed you. I would’ve left anything and changed everything to have you. This is because of how much you mattered to me. You mattered to me so much, I loved you so much, and I would’ve always loved you. I would’ve loved your tired eyes, I would’ve loved your hurt wounds, I would’ve loved your wrinkles, I would’ve loved your gray hairs. My love for you would’ve stood against the test of time, my love for you would’ve never faded regardless of however our physicals were, because I loved the inner you. You were all I needed every day, and having you made me feel so at peace. God, every time I look at you now, my eyes are filled with love, desperation, and obsession for you — however, what I see staring back at me is emptiness. All I see looking back at me is someone who doesn't love me. It makes me feel so worthless. I guess I did always love you more, haha. I don’t know. Every moment I have spent with you has always made me forget about everything else and made me happy. I felt at peace. Even when I hang out with you now, I still feel this peace. Whenever I was with you, I felt whole. I felt complete. That's because before I met you, my life was bland. I had built walls that could never be climbed, and I stayed in my own personal solitude trying to understand who I am. However, after meeting you, my walls started to crack, and for a long time I was very scared to let them crack and to fully put my all into someone, because I was scared. I was scared I could get hurt. However, as time went on, I began to understand what it felt like to be loved. I started to understand who I truly was. And honestly, it felt so good. It felt better than any drug. You became my drug, and I became addicted to you. It felt euphoric knowing that if tomorrow wasn't promised, at least a text from you was promised.

I know you felt like I didn't care, and I won't invalidate how you felt, but I want you to know that's not the truth. I cared for you like a child cares for his new toy, I cared for you like an artist cares for his most prized painting, I cared for you like professors care for their life's work, I cared for you more than I cared for myself. To me, you were precious, like a pearl glistening in the ocean. To me, you were special, like a sentimental piece someone has held for years. To me, you were everything. Every action I did had you in mind, and I hoped that my actions would benefit you more than myself. I have always shown you love and compassion, joy and mercy, honesty and loyalty, and I have shown you these qualities in the realest forms possible. I have fought and fought a war for us, but in this case I am on the losing side, and I know when to surrender. I was a person with honor and respect, a person who was ready to flip everything, go against everything, to try and fight to help us find our way back to each other. All these things were always to show you what you meant to me.

Whether one day you sit there and realize that you lost someone who truly — and I mean truly in the most literal sense — loved you unconditionally no matter what you did, or how you looked, or how you acted, someone who loved you in the most genuine sense beyond just your physical appearance, someone who loved unconditionally the true, deep inner you and saw the beauty that the physical, which will wither away, couldn’t provide — or if you never realize it at all — just know that my love was the most genuine, raw love imaginable. I just want you to know that I fought so very hard for us. Even after I kept getting beat down day after day, I kept fighting. I tried so very hard and so genuinely gave you all I could. I tried my best. I hope it was enough.