What Has Happened to Me

When I first met you, I had very bad issues when it came to being open to someone and being comfortable. However, as time went on with us, I felt more and more comfortable and began trusting again. Every time we talked, I felt like I could put my faith in you, put my trust in you, and truly not worry. For the first time in my life, I didn’t have to worry about my trust and worry that the person I was with was going to do me wrong. This is the true reason I did everything I did. However, I believe I am now traumatised worse than ever before. I have never in my life felt like I have ever truly been traumatised or had an experience that has scared me forever, but I believe that I have now. Never throughout our whole relationship had I ever felt the need to not have trust in you, or to worry about what you did, or where you went, or who you hung out with, because for once I was able to overcome my trust issues and trust someone for the first time in a long time. There was one day you told me that your stomach dropped when I went live without telling you, and I hated myself for making you feel like you couldn't trust me or that your stomach even turned in that way from my actions. The night I found out you cheated on me, I felt like I had my head banged against a table. My stomach twisted, turned, and fell inside out. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing; I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me. I couldn't even process it to begin with, I just wanted to hold my breath until I passed out. As I went to my call log and clicked your all-too-familiar number and heard the phone ring over and over again with no sign of life, I grew a lump in my throat and a pit in my stomach. As I repeatedly called over and over again, just to hear some semblance of your voice, all I wanted to hear was that everything I was seeing wasn’t true, that it was a big misunderstanding. The second you picked up the phone, the words spilled out of my mouth like an overflowing cup. I sat there waiting to hear you say something, anything, but all I was met with was the sound of an ending call — the same sound I would play on my laptop when I was trying to make you think I hung up as a joke. However, nothing was funny today. I repeatedly called you over and over again, just wanting in that moment to wish it was all a really bad dream, a nightmare that I didn’t truly have to face. When you picked up and I talked to you about it all, I just wanted to hear you comfort me, to tell me that it was a—I'm not sure, I don’t know. Even as I'm writing this, I feel an unbearable amount of pain, a big lump in my throat, an experience I will forever have to relive in my head multiple times until the day I pass. Regardless, to all my words of anguish and despair, all I was met with was a cold, distant shell of the girl who I used to love. Your words felt like a blizzard, and I was standing in the middle of it, stripped of my dignity, of myself. Your responses were so weak, and you were so quiet, it felt like I was only bothering you by bringing this up. Where I thought you'd pull the knife out of my stomach and try in some way to stitch me up, it only felt like you were twisting the knife. After hanging up the call, the images of you and him were burned into my mind. No matter how hard I tried to avoid them, I saw them every time I closed my eyes. They haunted me. The next morning I felt like throwing up at any given moment. My mind was flooded with what had happened, and I couldn't escape my own mind.

When I finally saw you that day, my face didn't light up with a smile like it usually did, my heart didn't pounce with eagerness to come hold you like it usually did; all I felt was physical pain in my heart, physical pain in my chest. Seeing you pull out the gifts that I gave you with so much pride and excitement broke my heart even more. It hurt me so bad that all I wanted to do was not see you cry — which was odd because I was the one who got cheated on. But seeing you hurt, seeing you cry, made me feel worse than anything else. That's why I asked if you wanted to fix it, because I felt like even after everything, even after the pain you caused me, I could still try and fix it with you, because I looked at you and saw the girl who I fell in love with. I saw the same beautiful button eyes staring back at me. After I took you home and we talked, I thought there was a chance that we could fix it, that maybe we could try and repair it despite the fact that it would be hard. However, I knew to make it work we would both need to try, both need to make an effort, so I never wanted to fall short from my end. That’s why I did everything I did. I did everything I did because that's also everything I’ve always wanted to do. I bought you that gift basket because I’ve always wanted to buy you a gift basket and surprise you. I made you that poster because I always wanted to make a proper poster and surprise you at your house. Everything I did during that week wasn’t because I was scared I was gonna lose you. I did it because I always wanted to, and now I could. I did it because I also knew that we both had to try and fix it, and I wanted to show you that I wanted to fix it. However, the days that I was doing these things, at home when I was alone, my stomach would turn every day. I couldn’t sit in silence and constantly needed someone to be there on the phone with me or some video to play in the background because if it was quiet, I felt so scared, I felt sick, I felt like I was alone with my thoughts. During these days I lost any sense of appetite I had and, in honesty, I still have very little appetite. However, I kept going during that week because I believed there was a chance that you would want to genuinely try and fix everything, so I tried. I tried really hard.

However, after I found out that you were still talking to that boy Andy the first time, it felt like I had been gutted from the inside out again. It felt like every bit of hope I had was crushed once again. That day I remember begging you to stop talking to him. I had to beg you to not cheat on me — gosh. Then you said you wouldn’t, but two days later I found out you were talking to him again. Words cannot describe how I truly felt. The English vocabulary and language in general is very limited, as some feelings we are not able to capture in mere words. However, if I had to put it in words, I remember feeling like a glass vase that someone had once carefully glued back together — fragile, but whole — only to be picked up again and dropped, shattering into even smaller pieces than before. I remember feeling like a little boy who had just been dropped on the back of his head, and instead of being picked up and comforted, he was left there to cry. However, despite this, my heart still yearned for you. My heart still wanted you to believe that deep inside you was still the girl who I would've moved mountains for — the girl who, if she told me she was cold, I’d move the sun closer to the earth with my bare hands just to give her warmth. The girl who I loved. So I begged you once again to please try and fix this. I begged and pleaded. I was so pathetic. And when you said you needed space from me, I told myself that I would honour this no matter what and give you the space you needed if it meant that you would come home. However, during this time I was away from you — gosh, it hurt so bad. It was gutting me alive to see your following go up, things that I never checked before because I had so much faith in you. It made me nauseous thinking about the fact that you were still talking to that boy even after I begged you to stop. Every time I would put food in front of myself, the pictures of you cheating on me would race to my mind like some sick joke to ensure that I would not eat. However, the second you texted me, my heart was able to forget everything for a second. After we hung out the following week after setting up plans, I remember feeling at peace when I was with you, but when I was away from you, I felt that creeping feeling of despair following me like a bad illness. However, I pushed it away in the hopes that my space would give you the clarity you needed.

However, as the hangouts progressed, I began noticing how you would hide your phone when you texted, or how your notifications were always cleared. Noticing these things was gutting to me. It felt so sickening that I was there in front of you, giving you my all, and you were still texting these other guys. Every time I would see you open Snapchat, I would scream so loudly in my head. I would feel my stomach drop, and there was nothing I could do about it. I tried to ignore it at first, but it only persisted more and more. It was the worst when I was taking off your heels and putting on your shoes for you and I noticed that you were on Snapchat. Or when I was sitting next to you the same day and I noticed that you were snapping that Andy guy while I was right next to you. Or when I was with you at Walmart, and when I went to grab a cart, you were making faces to snap him. I remember feeling like I was worthless. I was there in front of you, giving you my all, spending my money for you, showing up for you every time without fail, worshipping the ground you walked on, and seeing you still do this regardless of all of this just made me feel like it was all for nothing. When I saw you go on TikTok live and talk about us and how I was acting, I felt so small. When everyone in the comments just said I was insecure, it hurt because I wasn’t insecure, I just cared. I cared and loved you. When I noticed that you followed him again, even though I begged you multiple times to not, it just felt like pouring salt on the wound. When you went on live and said that you still talk to the guy from the cruise every day and “what about it” — gosh, that was so gut-wrenching. It was like spitting in my face. When you went on live and said you only hung out with me that week because you wanted the iPad back, it felt like I didn’t even know you. Throughout this month you have shown a side of you that I would have never imagined from you. You have caused me pain that, if you asked me before, I could’ve sworn on my life that you would never do that. You have left me traumatised. Now, every time I hear about a cruise, my stomach turns. Every time I see the red dress or orange shirt that you wore when you were in those photos with him, my head spins. Every time I see a dude with a buzz bleach, I lose my appetite. There are so many things that trigger me to feel this way, and it feels so rooted in me. I feel like a shell of who I used to be. When I saw you talking to that Mexican guy and you sent me that photo with him on the corner, my heart ached, because he was getting what I wanted. He was getting texts from you, calls from you. These guys were getting everything I wanted without doing 1/100 of the things I have done. And you wanna know the craziest part? Even after all of this, even after all the betrayal, throat-cutting words, and lies, I would’ve still forgiven you and still would’ve wanted to try and fix it. I would’ve still wanted to keep you in my life and have only you. You were my best friend, my lover, and who I thought was my soulmate all in one. You were the girl who I put first no matter what. To me, you were my one and only. I would’ve never done this to you. I would’ve never even wanted an unsettling breeze to hit you. I valued you so much and tried to keep you safe and happy as much as I could. That’s what true unconditional love is. I loved you in the most unconditional sense there could possibly be. My love for you had no strings attached.