My Feelings For You

Right now, it is almost the same time as when I first fell in love with you, nearly 2 years ago. When I first messaged you, I could have never expected for us to get where we have gotten, but maybe I should’ve seen the signs that were planted for us to meet. For example, how you were at the fireworks a year before we met, and I was most likely there at the same time, we were in the same proximity, maybe even passed by each other, yet didn’t know each other, and then a year later, we were united. It's almost like we were meant to be strung together before we ever even met. One of my first memories of us is when we were on the phone, and you were trying to figure out how you could take the train and come see me without your mom getting caught. I thought that was so thoughtful and funny, because you were touching your chin while you were thinking. As the days of December passed, and we got to know each other more and more, I grew to care for you more and more. I became more and more interested in you for who you were as a person, and started to want to help you in the parts of your life that you were interested in. Like that one time you said you wanted to paint, so I told you I’d sponsor your painting supplies, and you were so surprised. I thought it was funny how you were surprised, but I knew that it would make you happy, so it felt good to do it. I remember the first time you showed me your painting that you were doing for your god father, and I couldn’t believe that you made that. It looked so good, and I was so impressed that I told a bunch of my friends about it, and was like, “LOOK AT THIS PAINTING SHE MADE.” From there, there were many things that my heart started to want from you. I became fond of the way you spoke, and yearned to see you smile, because I thought you had the most beautiful smile. I remember when you were at that Christmas Eve party, and I saw you wear that red dress, and smile when I took a photo of you, your smile in that moment could’ve lit up my room in an abyss of darkness. After winter break and during, I remember, we started to call a lot more often, and at first, I was very unused to it. I had never had someone want to call me so much, and I had gotten used to being alone. I felt like being alone was what I had to do, even though that was never truly what I wanted, but I felt like it was the only way of life I could live. However, every phone call with you cracked my shell piece by piece each time. Though the distance between us was 400 km at the time, I could feel your presence at all times, and feel the warmth of you, it kept me from shivering. I remember as I got to know you more and more, I wanted to be a greater part of your life, because you were becoming a big part of my life. You were becoming the person who I would text first thing in the morning, the person I couldn't wait to see, the person who texted me, the person who I couldn't wait to hear their voice. I remember one of my ways of doing this was wanting to talk to your mom. I remembered I asked you if I could please talk to her and introduce myself, and I remember your mom not really wanting to talk to me, but I still talked to her anyway. It was funny, but it was just my way of trying to be what you were starting to be for me. That was the first time I talked to someone's parents in that type of manner.

As the days of the cold January month grazed by, I remember that day you gave me a gift package that you ordered. I remember I called you and opened up all the different gifts, and I was so happy, even though the gifts were small, what mattered tremendously more was the fact that you thought of me, and that these gifts came from your heart. This mattered to me so much, and I made sure, from that day forward, to cherish every gift you ever gave me, and treat it as if it was the most precious gem in the world, because to me you were more precious than any gem a man could find. Then finally, I remember one day, as I was driving, my phone lit up with your name, and it gave me that warmth I was all too familiarly with, however, as my eyes passed the words, my heart wanted to jump out of my chest, you wrote, “MY MOM SAID I CAN COME SEE YOU.” When I read these words, I had to park my car to the side, so I could respond that same second. I couldn’t believe what you were saying; was it true that after all these weeks of talking, I could get to feel your presence in person? That I would get to experience your touch, your smell, your hair? I was beyond excited and wanted to jump out of my skin with joy. As the days ticked by, it felt like time couldn’t get any slower. However, the company and excitement we both felt kept me going. When the day finally came I remember watching your life 360 like a young child who eagerly waits patiently for their parents to wake up on Christmas day. I was so excited and felt all sorts of feelings in the pits of my stomach, all feelings which were good. When you finally arrived at my school and I saw you in person for the first time my heart fluttered and my eyes lit up the second I saw you. I wanted to come rushing over and give you a big hug and pick you up, but I tried to compose myself as your mom took the picture of us. As we walked throughout my school my stomach twisted and turned and you looked ever more beautiful in person than I thought you ever looked over the phone. I remember leaving to go home and wanting to speed and rush back as soon as possible. I remember you first entering my car and us holding hands, feeling the intricate parts of your skin rub against mine. I remember when we climbed into the back and your red hair brushed against my face. I remember us holding each other and me feeling like I am not alone if I have you. I remember when you touched my face and we stared into each other's eyes, I realized that I loved you. I realized that I wanted you to be my girlfriend, my partner, my lover. I realized and felt that this was right, that this was what I wanted and more. To me it never felt rushed, it felt that everything aligned perfectly to look me in my eyes and tell me that this was right, this was everything in front of you.

However, to both of our luck we were able to hang out one last time before you had to leave. I remember picking you up in my car and us spending even more time together that I wouldn’t trade for anything in the world. I remember we went and adopted our first baby Nirvana that day and we named her too. Then at last I finally had to let you go for good this time. I remember the second you left I wished I could’ve ran back and grabbed you again. I didn’t want you to leave so bad; I wished we had superglued our hands together so no one could’ve pulled us apart. But I knew that for the time being I had to again wait till I was able to see you again. The days and months that were to follow this I yearned to be with you again and to see and hold you once again. However, the comfort of you over the phone, whether it was making jokes, watching shows, or just talking, the comfort of your being was enough to keep me going and helped me feel you spiritually. I remember when we spent hours watching The Good Place and how surprised I was when we found out it was actually the Bad Place, I remember us watching American Horror Story and loving the first two seasons, I remember us talking about all the things we’d do when I finally moved to Toronto and how we’d have a chance to do everything we’ve ever wanted and all that we needed to do was be patient till I moved. I always felt your presence and I always tried to make sure you felt mine. Whether this was in the form of buying you food for lunch every day where you didn't have money, or getting you makeup you wanted, or making sure you had money whenever you went out with your friends, or making special things for you like the music album, or giving you kisses over the phone because I couldn’t wait to give them in person. As each day passed through the months of us being together it only filled me with more and more love and yearning for you. I slowly put down my walls that had kept me in solitude for so long, as I had believed I had found the person I could truly be myself around and I felt that you felt the same way. The day you said to me that you loved me because you didn’t feel judged when you were with me it brought me so much joy, because I never wanted to make you feel judged, smaller than or hurt when you were with me.

I understand that there were times of hardship during the earlier parts of our relationship as well, from small to big. I remember the time that you told me that you lied to me about your age and I just laughed it off because I knew it wasn’t that big of a deal. But I also remember the time that I caught you vaping and you really opened up to me about your friend and what had happened there. I remember you telling me that she was your best friend, the person you went to for everything, the person who you had who was your number one and she was your number one. I remember you telling me that you wished that you were someone's number one and that you had friends who were your number ones, but you weren’t theirs. You told me how you wished for all these things and how much it hurt you. Ever since I heard you say those words, ever since I felt the pain that you were going through, all I wanted to do was help you and pull you up and bring you out of the depths in which you were laying. Ever since then I tried to be your best friend in every way possible. Since then you weren’t only just my girlfriend but rather you were my best friend. You were the person who I wanted to make sure felt the happiest, you were the person I wanted to play games with, you were the person I wanted to go out and just hang out with, you were the person who I just wanted to sit in silence with and just enjoy your presence. While doing this I also tried my absolute best to make sure you never felt alone, judged, unloved, or any of those feelings; I made sure that if you had no friends that you had me, I tried to make sure if you felt like no one wanted to hang out with you, you had me, I wanted to make sure that if you felt like no one listened to you that I listened, I wanted to make sure that if you ever felt that you didn’t have someone who was your best friend in the most true and real sense that I WAS, I WAS YOUR BEST FRIEND THROUGH IT ALL. As the months of the relationship progressed and we got more and more intertwined, you became a part of me that I couldn’t remove, like a piece of gum stuck in your hair. Every time we hung out I felt so excited and no matter when I saw you I still felt the butterflies in my stomach which were all too familiar to me. As we went through and experienced all the seasons together my love for you only became stronger. And then, before I knew it, it had already been one year of us and only us being together. The time I realized that it had already been a year it truly felt like I had met you yesterday. Time with you felt like it was forever sprinting. Time with you felt like I couldn't get enough time. Time with you felt like watching a bullet train go by. However, every second of the time I did spend with you was beautiful. It was in every way, shape or form, everything I wanted and more. It never felt dragged, or deflated, it never felt wasted or unproductive. Any second on the phone with you where I should've been studying was worth it just to hear you laugh, hear you talk about your day, see your eyes stare back into mine. From our one year anniversary I remember how we went back to counting from 1 and I thought that was funny, I thought it was like we had restarted but we were only continuing everything we had. Around this time was when I was finally able to give you your birthday/Valentine’s Day gift which was my favourite gift that I had ever given you. I remember watching you open up the box I had meticulously closed. I remember watching your hands reach into the box and pulling out each gift one by one and progressively seeing you get happier and happier. Until finally you brought out your iPad. I remember seeing how happy you were, seeing you grin ear to ear and opening your mouth wide in awe, made it worth every single dollar I spent. Hearing you say thank you over and over again while smiling made it worth every gruelling hour I spent at work on my feet even when I wanted to go home. Seeing the video you sent me a few hours later saying how you felt expensive using the iPad made it all worth it. Making you feel like you were worth everything was all I ever wanted to do and you saying that you felt expensive using the iPad made me laugh, because to me you were worth more than anything any dollar amount could ever buy. To me you were worth more than anything, any place and anyone, to me you were my everything. During February of this year we were eagerly counting down the months until I moved here so we could finally be united and finally have everything we wanted to have and more. Although we knew that being united in a closer distance would make us stronger, I always knew that our love for each other was stronger than any distance that could possibly separate us. I know that during this part of the year that we and later we faced strain in our relationship and I can acknowledge this. I know that we had arguments and disagreements that made us feel far. However no matter how much friction we faced it never changed my love for you. No matter how much we argued or seemed far I was always there holding you close. To me every love song was about you. To me every cat video was us. To me every piece of clothing would only look good on you. To me you were like a shot of espresso lol. Idk. At times I know it was hard but I never ever wanted to give up on you no matter what. I always sacrificed for you, whether it was hanging out with you when I knew I had an exam the next day, whether it was staying on call until the early morning, whether it was working hours on end to make sure you had everything you wanted. I would always sacrifice my being for you. This sacrifice made me tired and I was anxious to begin with about my future and so at times I fell short on the little things, but I always tried to make it up with other things. I know I should’ve done more of the little things and if I could go back I would. But my intentions with you and for you were always the most pure they could be. My intentions for you were to make you happy, to make you feel loved and feel true love, my love. My intentions were to make sure the inner you felt safe, for you to know that you had a best friend even when it felt like you didn’t. To know that you had someone that would put you first no matter what. My intentions were to always give you everything I had. My feelings for you from the time I met you to now have only amplified and echo like voices in a cave. My feelings for you have always been pure and filled with love because I love you. I love all your flaws and sins, your perfectly imperfect imperfections, I love bits and parts of you that even you don’t like because I love you as a whole. I know every little thing about you, I know who you are in the most genuine sense possible and knowing you has made me love you even more never push me away. Every hang out, every laugh, every hug or kiss on the phone I cherish like stars in the sky each small but together making a beautiful formation. If each grain of salt was a piece of my love for you it would take every grain of salt in the world for you to encompass my love. There was never a moment where I didn't love you with my entire being because you became my being. You became a part of me, a part of my heart that is stained with you forever because I gave you parts of my soul.